Don't Laugh ... I dare you !

=====================================================
Subject:  Re: [WHFB] A confession....
Date:  Tue, 28 Oct 1997 09:23:54 -0600 (CST)
From:  hsallee@umr.edu

Roy Walker, having confessed his cheesiness, wrote:
> 
> The question is, is there any chance of redemtion for me, or am I doomed
> to be an evil cheese-o?
> 
> I only hope ya'll can forgive me....

Admitting you have a problem is a good start.  You should enroll in 
The GW Cheese-loss Program.  That's right, our very own GW Hobby 
Promotion dept has developed a plan which will wean you off of cheesy 
gimmicks (because cheesy gimmicks are bad for promoting the hobby).

Step 1:  Self-flagellation.  Beat your back and shoulders repeatedly with 
a scourge.  If you can't find a scourge in your area, contact GW mail-order.

Step 2:  Humiliation.  Stand in front of your gaming store wearing a sign 
that reads "Cheesy Git" while ringing a bell and yelling out the terrible 
things you have done.  GW mail order is having a special on "Cheesy Git" 
signs and bells, BTW.

Step 3:  Restitution.  Go to every player you have wronged with your 
cheesy ways and offer them recompense.  Do something nice for them, like 
painting the rest of their army.  The preferred method of recompense is 
to buy them several blisters of minis.

Step 4:  Purification.  The minis you used to commit cheesy acts have 
been tainted.  You must melt them down and buy new ones!

Step 5:  Acceptance.  After you've done all this, you should be very 
sorry you ever cheesed someone (and will hopefully never do it again).

-- 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Sallee                  | hsallee@umr.edu             |     -\----/-
Computer Science Grad Student | http://www.umr.edu/~hsallee |       \  /
University of Missouri-Rolla  |                             |        /\
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We shall inherit" -- Skaven credo

======================================================================================
Subject: [WHFB] cave squigs evil? or just misunderstood?
    Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 12:07:51 -0800 (PST)
    From:  Tuff Git 

I believe that someone posted a message earlier that stated cave
squigs were evil.

Cave squigs are not evil, simply misunderstood!

how would you feel if you were dragged from your nice dank cave,
jabbed with a spear, and forced to eat the most distasteful things
(elves, humans, dwarfs, etc?) sure you get used to it after a while,
but it never really replaces home.  Sure you make lots of new friends,
but they constsntly poke you in the back with those big forks! they
say you are an important aspect of the team, but you are never really
treated as an equal!

so please before you condem please waddle a mile in someone else's
shoes,...err.. claws that is.

This message brought to you by the Squig Anti-defamation league
(S.An.D.Le.)

=========================================================

Subject:    [WHFB] HE's in Tournies
    Date:   Fri, 31 Oct 1997 10:12:28 +1100
    From:   Will Chris 

As promised I have got ex-list memeber Calanthe's HE in Tournies report
(or more his performance report at MOAB). Hope this doesn't turn ya off stan.

Notes

High Elf General  338 pts

Barded Elven Steed
Armour Of Protection
Sword Of Heroes
Ruby Chalice

Battle Standard  136 pts
Barded Elven Steed
Heavy Armour
Shield, Lance
Standard Of Shielding

Master Mage  358 pts
Barded Elven Steed
Flail
Destroy Scroll
Black Amulet
Skullstaff

Hero  194 pts
Potion Of Strength
Heart Of Woe
Shield, Flail,
Heavy Armour
Rides Pegasus

7 Dragon Princes 326 pts
Banner Of Might
Champion 91 pts
Sky Arrow Of Naelor

1 Chariot 110 pts
Scythed Wheels
4 Elven Steeds
2 Crew

8 Shadow Warriors 96 pts
Champion 73 pts
Black Gem Of Gnar

8 Longbows 88 pts

8 Longbows 88 pts

9 Longbows 99 pts

9 Longbows 99 pts

3 RBT's pts 300

My MOAB force of High Elves, 2400pts strong, 75pt max magic item limit
(No Forbidden Rods allowed). It's a fairly balanced looking army I guess 
with a sledgehammer approach in the shape of the Dragon Princes and Chariot 
who just stay out of sight until needed & then hurtle in destroy all in their 
path. The WS5 of the Dragon Princes means with the Banner Of Might, they
will hit most enemy troops on a 2+, but as long as the Battle Standard Bearer 
is with them, their save will be 1+. Rather than have to form long lines everywhere 
with the Longbows, I form them into double ranks so as to be more compact 
with usually one unit being sacrificed in the deploying phase in mad dash & grab 
for manuevering space on the battlefield, everything else then sits back a bit 
further ready to shoot. I guess I could have modified things a bit to take a few 
less Longbows & in unit sizes of 5 & left the Shadow Warriors out altogether & 
then perhaps fitted 5 or 6 RBT's in, but stuff me full of corn chip & dip, that has 
never been my way since I first learnt to roll a dice. Overall though I felt lonely 
without my Dragonrider, (Dragons were banned at MOAB along with Greater Daemons & 
riderless large monsters), while it's such a large chunk out of the character allowance, 
people never expected it (even before Dragons got beefed up I'd usually take it), so 
the Dragon Princes would have to suffice this time.

Battle One, The Empire. -----------------------------------------------------------
Liam was a good opponent, anyone visiting the countryside of NSW (Armidale to be precise) 
get in touch, he's a most sporting opponent. I let him swing about with the Ex-Ax first & 
the like without worrying too much about striking last rules and stuff as his Reiksguard
fled off the table early on & the Flagellants got stuck in a pointless combat with the Shadow 
Warriors who defended a house. The only disappointing thing for me was the Hero who refused 
to blow up when required.

Battle Two, The Dark Elves. -----------------------------------------------------------
Against the in/famous Sage. What can an army like mine do against 8 RBT's ?? This was the 
first time I'd used the new HE against the DE, so I forgot about HE emnity against the
DE (my own silly fault), but on the DE's side, as this book has been out much longer, I 
would expect him to take the Obedience tests for the regiments & Stupidity tests for the 
Cold One riders. This didn't happen once but alas I always trust my opponents to know their 
own army better than I do. The only thing that worked here was the Hero blowing up & taking 
the Witch Elf Heroine with him. Otherwise I got shot to pieces, oh yes, I also 
generously offered the use of Chris/Wargfang's imfamous Red Dice, Sage declined. I lost.

Battle Three. The Undead. -----------------------------------------------------------
My first taste of Curse Of Years in the tournament (the first of many).  The entire Undead 
army refused to fight & they made my force die of old age, general and all. Result, High
Elves go down again. Other than that my opponent was about as funny as a mouldy zombie, I 
think he uses the following Zombie Reaction Generator to determine his rather dour tournament 
facial expressions.

Roll a D4
1. Cold Stare
2. Blank Stare
3. Fixed Stare
4. Emotionless Stare

Battle Four. The Wood Elves.  -----------------------------------------------------------
Interesting in that for the WE, there was no shooting troops at all, some Glade Riders, 
Dryads & Treemen. Oh yeah, and a Mage with the Book Of Ashur & thus the Curse Of Years spell, 
my army again died the horrible death, caught Alzheimers Disease & forgot why they
were there. Lost again.

Battle Five. The Orcs & Goblins.  -----------------------------------------------------------

Orcy Shaman with Book Of Ashur & Curse Of Years spell & what's that sonny ?? SPEAK UP, I 
CAN'T HEAR YOU. GET ME MY WALKING FRAME, if I can't swing my sword due to old age anymore, I 
can at least write a serious note of concern to the Altdork (sorry, I mean Altdorf) 
Advertiser about the corruption of young wizards these days as they take the easy path of
making people turn old with dark knowledge gleaned from ancient Necromantic tomes, "Is the 
Dark Side Of The Force more powerful then ?" "No young Luke, just easier" (what the freakin' 
hell was old Obi Wan raving about ?? He obviously didn't have his Jedi manual of Evil Spells 
& had never played Warhammer). Somehow or another I pulled a draw out of the hat here though I 
have absolutely no recollection of how. At this point I started throwing Chris/Wargfang's 
Infamous Ye Olde Red Dice across the room at him.


Battle Six. The Undead. -----------------------------------------------------------
Having played Sean a few times at various tournaments before, he was relieved not to be 
facing my Dragon this time, but a good battle ensued nevertheless. My force didn't die of old 
age either this time and I was slightly luckier in some of my dice rolls, so lucky infact that 
I could have won the game by staying out of combat with the monster unit of 50+ Skeletons with 
Wight Lord, Wraith & Liche with all sorts of nic-nacs. Still, the faint heart never won the 
fat Orc, so I charged straight into the monster unit & managed to decimate the unit & lose my 
General & everything else in the process. If the Dragon Princes had of kept their nerve when 
the General died, it would have gone the other way, as it was the Undead get up by a point, 
nearly everybody dies or redies, Sean & I have a good laugh.

Battle Seven. The Dark Elves. -----------------------------------------------------------
This time I came up against 10 RBTs in the form of list member Carl. Knowing 
Carl fairly well, I thought I could rely upon him to build a meticulously cheesy 
army but then completely throw his battle plans to the four winds and do something 
like abandon the RBT's & get stuck in.  Well, he built the cheesy army alright, but 
amazingly enough, he stuck to the battle plan. I was outshot something horrid & we 
both had  a bit of a laugh (well, a lot of a laugh really) when there was 7 RBT's
who's only target was a single solitary Longbowman, talk about nuclear strikes & 
overkill. The game went the way of the evil ones again, though Carl did remember to 
take all the obedience & stupidity tests & I remembered the emnity rules. My Dragon 
Princes survived the battle intact & were in good shape having used the forests for 
cover, smashing up a few DE regiments on the way & were ready to sweep from the flank, 
unfortunately the centre had been shot to pieces in a particularly brutal fashion,
game to the DE.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So that was it for MOAB '97, my worst ever tournament performance, 1 win, 1 draw & 5 losses. 
Of the battles, only the first really went the way I wanted it to with the Empire running 
before the armoured might of the Dragon Princes. Curse Of Years is such a powerful spell &
it really took its toll on my army throughout the tourney. I was getting disheartened by the 
non-Undead armies using it through the Book Of Ashur, combine that with the 2 mega RBT 50pts 
a pop DE armies & well, I did as well as could be expected I guess under such circumstances. 
Still, I had a bit a laugh & a cheer & a couple of beers help put things into perspective. 
Namely, I had the best T-Shirt all tournament with many people asking where you get "Xena:
Warrior Princess" merchandise from in Australia, even the T-Shirt vendors themselves were a 
bit bemused. I can guarantee you all that at the next tourney where you can veto items (like a 
certain upcoming one next year), the BoA is certain to be vetoed by me, it'll make the enemy 
think a bit more about their tactics & place less reliance on a single item to win the game & 
they'll fall all the swifter to the glorious yet always inevitably vain & pointless Dragon 
Prince charge up the middle. 

So there. Pick, criticise & pull apart my army list. Does this go someway perhaps to 
explaining why the  HE are perhaps falling behind in the tournament race stakes ?? I can't
explain the losses for other HE at other tournaments, but I know that though mine were 
fairly competantly led, I'm far too impetuous and rash to be a great tactical thinker & I 
always run with a hunch in the hope that it'll turn out to be a piece of tactical genius 
that stuns my opponent. Hey, I love the game, so RBT me or Curse Of Years me, I don't 
care which. Still, when all's said & done, I'm still learning something new each time I play, 
win or lose & I  try to have an enjoyable battle doing that.

Oh yes, almost forgot. I used Chris/Wargfang's Red Dice of Evil Cursed Luck. How the hell 
was I supposed to win anything other than a chook raffle using them ????

My employer is supposedly getting internet access for it's staff (finally), so I hope to 
keep my own machine in the museum "Ancient Computing History Display" & get back
onto the list soon, 

Take Care one & all,
Calanthe 

c.o Wargfang Mailing Ltd. "we deliver it or kill ya"

=========================================================================
Subject: [WHFB] Toe to Toe (Battle Report)
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 10:16:52 +1100
From: Will Chris 

These reports were written by ex-list member Calanthe and are brought to
you by Wargfang Mailing Ltd "We deliver it kill ya trying".

Wargfang and Calanthe go Toe To Toe.

"Dis is it lads," said Wargfang as he gave his pre-battle pep talk to
the boys, "Dat Cal.... Kalan.... da Pointy Eared Git we used ta beat up
lots 'as sold 'is soul to da filthy Dark Gods of Chaos. So we gonna show
'im jus' what Green Power is all about, an' I don't mean no hippy shit
iver."
This brought about some general cheers from the assorted Bosses.
"Right," went on Wargy, "You gobbo lot can piss off back ta Mount Bad
Ass, we's gonna out muscle da Chaos scums. Get da Savage Orcs an' dere
Boars off da shelf an' outta cold storage, get da Shaman Lord too. Dust
off da Riva Trolls an' ask Bob if he's not too bizzy iff'n he can come
along fer da fun. Get da Lobba too iff'n it still works. Nob an 'is
Crossbows an' Bolt Throwers too. Oh yeah, dere's some nobby Ogres
wondering 'bout, promise 'em a few teef an' get 'em to come wiff us."
"An da Blackies & Big 'Uns ?" asked an eager Boss.
"Corse we're bringin' dem ya moron, we nevva leave 'ome with out 'em."

Calanthe, assisted by his walking frame, trudged sorrowfully amongst his
broken troops, last tournament he fought seven times and was victorious
only twice, he was now the old elf he truly felt. Mumbling softly to
himself to about "Books Of Ashur, Curses Of Years & cut price Dark Elf
RBT's." After a few hours, his shuffle took him past a wild Elven orgy
that was in full swing. "Hmmm," he thought, "Looks like the Cult Of
Pleasure is back, if I was half the Elf I used to be I'd give them a
good dose of what for."
One nubile young elflet, scantily clad scampered past him, "Come join us
grand-dad, come join in the worship of Slaanesh."
"They never used to come out of the closet like this before," thought
Calanthe, he then added aloud, "Err, no thanks. Arrghh, shouldn't you be
at Virgin School or something ??"
With that, the young elflet dropped to her knees before Calanthe, threw
the walking frame away and removed his trousers.
Calanthe's last thought before ecstacy over took him was, "And to think
I hesitated."

Reborn Chaos Lord of Slaanesh, Calanthe, thought he looked rather
smashing in his new Chaos Armour and Chaos Runeshield, he liked his new
Helmet with the eyes all over it, but most of all, he liked his Sword Of
Change. He surveyed his new command, a Slaanesh Hero "Spunk Bubble",
impossibly beautiful with the Allure Of Slaanesh and Iron Hard Skin and
Slaanesh Champion "Glowing" with his attractive but lesser Chaos Armour.
He cast his eye with pride over his 20 or so Slaanesh Chaos Warriors and
the 35 Beastmen with the Slaanesh Rapturous Banner. Also amongst his
command was a Beastman Hero "Knockknees" with the Crown Of Command and a
Beastman Shaman Lord "Bleating Teeth" with the Cursed Book and a
Familiar. Some River Trolls stood at attention near the Beastman Lord,
the Crown Of Command kept them from munching on some grass or stone or
each other. Not the biggest Chaos horde ever, but you've got to start
somewhere.
"Right," Calanthe said adjusting his monocle, "I would like it known
that the old Calanthe is dead and I will hear no more Elf jokes about
how green is their blood. This is the new improved version of me and I
intend to kick some Greenskin tush. The silly Orcs think they can out
muscle us, time to show them that we are Elves no longer."

Wargfang and Calanthe each drew up maps for their battle lines. 
Calanthe's was dead set simple, "Knockknees, you keep the Trolls in line
at the front, draw all the fire you possibly can, if something comes
into range, engage. Right, Glowing, you take the Chaos Warriors and
proceed behind the Trolls, if you can charge something, kill it, lots,
but try not to get flanked at all. Spunk Bubble, your job is to keep the
Beastmen in line, try to tie up the best units you can as much as
possible until help arrives in the form of me. Bleating Teeth, you sit
in the middle and try to kill everything. OK, got that ?? Now to
summarize, if you see it, kill it."

By contrast, Wargfang was forming different plans, "Right, you lot with
da crossbows, stay here an' shoot anything facing dis way. You pair with
da bolt throwers, try ta hit something big. Right, da SOBBies & Pockmark
(SOBB Shaman Lord) take da left side & belt straight at anyfing dat
moves. Now you Biggers, listen ta Nobsickle or ya'll have me ta answer
to, now you mob wait fer us Blackies ta get stuck in & den hit 'em in da
side wiff dae Speshul Banner, we'll take care ov da rest. Bob, me ol'
mate, take da Nancy Boys River Troll Power squad an' guard da middle
'gainst somefing stupid from da Chaos scummers."
Plans made, the foe prepared for mortal combat
Chaos got the drop on the Orc horde and got off to an interesting start
with one of the Beastmen spawning into a pathetic slimy thing that
dribbled on itself and stumbled forward. Everyone else bolted forwards
as fast as possible, the Trolls providing a covering screen for the
Chaos Warriors. The Winds Of Magic which never blew strongly at all the
entire battle, provided nothing., this lack of magical power explained
the lack of daemons (rather than my lack of painted models).
The Orcs responded in a slightly hesitant fashion, this was nothing like
the usual Calanthe army they had previously rended and torn. The Savage
Orc Boar Boys SOBB's came hurtling down the flank though in true subtle
Orcy fashion. The Crossbows & Bolt Throwers decided they needed some
more practice shooting at barn doors instead of live targets and missed
eveything or failed to wound (as a previous Elf player, I laugh at BS3).
The Winds again refused to blow.
Chaos decided that the time was ripe to launch the attack, well, close
enough at any rate. The River Trolls went flying into Bob, ably assisted
by Knockknees. Bob decided to yell and bawl at the Trolls, but they held
firm. The Chaos Warriors manuevered trickily behind the melee as to
remove some of the firing arcs of the Orcs. The SOBB Shaman Lord decided
that Bleating Teeth wasn't going to get off a Soul Drain, but the
Destroy Scroll he carried for just such an eventuality didn't come up
with the full potential.
The SOBB's were frothing at the chops by now and pounded straight into
the Beastmen, the Orc Nancy Boy River Troll contingent decided to smack
into the flank of the Chaos River Trolls, it was now a no holds barred,
Trolls vs. Troll, mate vs. mate, state vs state, you show me yours, I'll
show you mine battle that was to last till the bitter end. The Ogres
marched onwards with the Big 'Uns & Blackies in tow. A few stray shots
took out the odd Warrior, but to little avail. The SOBB's, even though
forgetting what banner they brought to the battle ("Hey, what dis one ??
Not a shieldin one ??)  won the combat against the Beastmen, but the
Banner held the Beasties rock solid, dying & loving it. The SOBB's had
their ranks depleted faster than the Beastmen, they were losing the war
of attrition though winning the combat. The Magic phase was again
neutered.
The Chaos Warriors with Glowing now charged into the Blackies and
Calanthe decided to throw himself into the SOBB's. Bleating Teeth
manuevered to stay away from the Ogres but to give maximum effect to the
Cursed Book, ie, not much. Calanthe threw down the gauntlet and the SOBB
Shaman Lord Pockmark took it up and wiped his mouth with it as his
Golden Helm saved him from an ignomious fate. The Beastmen continued to
carve up SOBB's and their frenzy was broken as common sense returned to
the SOBB's, one of the boars farted in frustration, but even that
couldn't kill a Beastmen. The Chaos Warriors drew the combat with the
Wargfang's Blackies as flesh and limbs flew about, Glowing giving his
life to an impetuous challenge that Wargy accepted. A minor Soul Drain
injured an Ogre, but that was it.
The Ogres decided to take a hand personally and lug their lumbering
frames straight into the flank of the Beastmen while the Big 'Uns,
brandishing their Banner Of Defiance hurtled into the flank of the Chaos
Warriors. The SOBB Shaman's luck ran out this time as the Golden Helm
failed to save him and he mutated under the effect of the Sword Of
Change, "Oh fuc(&%&^%*&^" he managed as his voice box mutated into
something yuck. The Ogres jostled for position against the Beastmen but
the big fellas found  themselves too large to effectively tromp the unit
and got back more than they received. Without a rank bonus, the combat
went the Greenway, but the Rapturous Banner erroniously held the
Beastmen firm. The Chaos Warriors didn't fair quite so well and decided
to leg it under the dual attack of Big 'Uns & the Blackies, however the
Blackies weren't up to speed and couldn't catch them. Bleating Teeth was
now the only thing that stood in the way of both the Biggers & the
Blackies. Not a sensible place to be, so he firstly Soul Drained another
Ogre or two to get to 8 wounds & then transformed himself in a Manticore
with the aid of Kadon's spell. Bob & the Nancy Boy River Trolls were
battling away with Knockknees but he still held firm with the remnant of
his River Troll brigade.
Not in the slightest deterred by a Beastman changing into a Manticore,
the Blackies charged straight at the transformed creature/shaman while
the Biggers got themselves into position to assist yet again. "Doh,"
said Wargy as he realised that by charging he couldn't use the Talisman
Of Ravensdark, still, the faint heart never won the fat squig and the
battle was now delicately poised. The two Chaos Spawn wondered off into
nowhere in particular and played little effect in the rest of the game.
The Blackies Banner Of Might was negated by the Cursed Book and
Manticore proceeded to rend and tear Black Orcs, namely Big Boss Slob
while Wargy, even with Grom's Axe failed to make a dent. Still, Wargy's
Crown Of Command held the Blackies together in the face of terror. The
SOBB's & Ogres finally gave way as Calanthe and Spunk Bubble ripped them
to shreds. With Flop leading the rout they managed to escape, but this
didn't faze the rest of the thinning Green horde as Wargfang kept them
under control with his steely gaze. With one Shaman Spawned and the
other Transformed, the magic phase yielded nothing.
Bob & the Nancy Boys River Troll brigade finally finished on Knockknees
who true to his name, did just that as Bob thumped him with the big
club. The Chaos Warriors remembering who they were recovered easily and
prepared for another onslaught while Spunk Bubble and the Beastmen
charged into the flank of the Blackies who were locked in mortal combat
with the Transformed Bleating Teeth. Calanthe charged into the fleeing
Ogres who, being the oversized blouse wearers they are, fled again out
of range. Spunk Bubble threw down his gauntlet & Wargy without Big Boss
Slob to volunteer to the fray, took up the mantle himself. Overcome by
the amazing good looks & Allure Of Slaanesh, Wargy was unable to hit
Spunk Bubble, nevertheless, Wargy's Black Amulet bounced a wound back
onto the Spunkster. The Blackies ranks were diminishing rapidly, but
Wargy's Crown Of Command held them firm. Again magic did nothing.
The Blouse wearing Ogres recovered their wits and rallied as did the
remnant of the SOBB's who were almost off the table by now. The Big 'Uns
prepared for a strike into the reformed Chaos Warriors as did Bob & the
Nancy Boy River Trolls. Wargy shook his head a bit and got a couple of
blows into Spunk Bubble but to little effect as Bleating Teeth/Manticore
gave a few Blackies an evisceral lashing. Things looked grim for the
Greentide now as Calanthe charged into the Ogres, smashed one of them up
and they fled off the table, their skirts round their knees in abject
terror of being spawned.

The game finished. The debutant Chaos Lord Calanthe was victorious. The
final battle troops looked grim for the Greentide, the Blackies were in
all sorts of strife, the Bigger's were basically unhurt as was Bob (4
wounds left) and the Nancy River Trolls Boys Squad, the two Crossbows
contingents were preparing for hand to hand and the Bolt Throwers were
still trying to hit that barn door. On the Chaos side, the Beastmen and
the Manticore/Bleating Teeth were mangling the Black Orcs in a serious
way. The Chaos Warriors were holding firm and Calanthe was unscathed and
ready to kick some more death/sense into the Greenskins. It has been
contended that perhaps the Greenskins had a bit more fight left in them
with the possibility of Bob & the Nancy Boy River Troll Squad & Big 'Uns
pulling something out of the fire against the Chaos Warriors, but
observers that can count over 3 (namely me & only me as Wargfang was the
only other observer) are convinced otherwise, with Chaos to go next,
when Calanthe rejoined the Slaanesh Warriors, it would be difficult to
see any outcome to the other than the Green destruction, especially as
Wargfang wasn't going anywhere locked in combat with the Beastmen &
Manticore/Bleating Teeth while the remnants of the Blackies were
destroyed, or the Manticore could take care of Bob easily enough.

Wargfang grabbed the last remaining Big Boss left, one by the name of
Big Boss Flop, "'Ere, piss off back ta Mount Bad Ass an' get dose
gobbo's, I hear dere's some pointy eared gits ovva da next hill."

Game Two ==============================================================

As the winner of the last game, I let Chris decide the scenario for the
next battle as the my ever faithful but rarely useful High Elves came
out to emulate the feats of their departed, now Chaos Lord Calanthe.
Chris decided Scenario 10, tournament set up with 3000 point armies.

At count out of regiments etc & there was more Elf regiments than Orcs,
so I designated Trouser Leg as my general & set up my first unit of
Archers. In these sorts of battles I usually sacrifice at least one unit
just to gain some deployment ground. Sure enough, exactly 18 inches away
some Wolf Riders get placed, then exactly 18 inches away from another
unit, 2 Gobbo Chariots get placed. The final set up didn't look good for
the HE, the Greenskins had NINE War Machines, read 'em, N.I.N.E., that's
9, IX for you literate types or "Lots" for you Greenskin Warbosses.
Actually Chris just simply made a mistake as Greenskins can't count past
three & so he just grabbed every War Machine on the shelf and decided it
looked good enough and about three in number. Trouser Leg had a huge
pack of Spears holding the centre flanked all around by Longbow units
and a unit of Shadow Warriors who heard that evil was in the vicinity
(only they turned up one battle to late). Four RBT's positioned on the
hill with good firing arcs. A Not-So-Great Eagle, Chariot and Dragon
Princes made up the punch for the HE, while the Greenskins dispersed
their strength well, in the form of SO's, SOBB's, lots of War Machines
(9 of the bastards), Banner Of Sorcery (6 cards for the mongrel), Wolf
Riders, Blackies, Biggers, Bob, Night Goblins etc etc etc. It didn't
really matter what went where as everything came hell for leather at the
Elves anyway & if they didn't get there soon, they'd get a Gork to
assist.

The Greenskins got the inititive and the 2 Chariots charged one lot of
Archers and mashed and mangled them to oblivion, while the Wolf Riders
mashed their Archers but they just managed to hold firm (needing a 3 on
a break test). Everything else in Wargy's reformed army hurtled forwards
rapidly. The estimation for the Rock Lobba's & Doom Divers was spot-on &
only the deviation dice saved many an elf from being crushed into
something unpleasant, still, without "Look Out Sir", the elves would
have suddenly been leaderless. Things went bad to worse for the HE, or
from better to bloody amazing for the Greenskins. He had 11 Winds of
Magic Cards to my measly three to defend with. Total Powering the SOBB's
into a pack of Archers, he proceeded then to WAAAGH!!!! & killed 2 lowly
HE mages but left the Mage Lord Cod Piece unscathed. With things looking
grim before the HE had time for a parley to determine the codes of
battle to be used, Wargfang really started to apply the pressure. Only a
non-Greenskin or non-Skaven player can appreciate just how terrifying it
is to watch this mass of troops bolt forwards at you, especially when
you only have a Xena shirt for protection (but very stylish however)
The HE line held firm (somehow, I was using the cursed Red Dice that
worked so well for Chaos, but atrociously here). The RBT's realising
desperate times call for desperate measures poured all volleys into the
SOBB's melee with a HE archer unit. This killed 2 Archers & 1 SOBB. The
Dragon Princes decided that things needed sorting out and that someone
else better do it, so they proceed down the HE right flank, fortunately
covered by a largish forest. The HE Chariot bolted straight into the 2
Gobbo Chariots, mashed one of them but managed to get the two Tiranoc
Charioteers caught under a wheel or something & it was now out of
control. Realising that the HE lines would need a steadying hand, Cod
Piece cast "Hand Of Glory" only to have the Savage Orc Shaman "Drain
Magic" it. SO Shaman Pockmark revisited was to have the eternal "No You
Don't" power hidden within, come out more than once.
The SOBB's continued their mashing way through the archers & followed up
into an RBT. The remaining Wolfie/Gobbo chariot manuevered to hit the
Elf Spears next turn. The Wolf Riders smashed into another RBT. The rest
of the Green Horde swept forward as the remaining RBT's & Arrows failed
to even slightly impede the ladz and the Shadow Warriors interposed
themselves into a suicidal position between an RBT & the SOBB's. Trouser
Leg did just that and legged it away to the right flank out of firing
range in hot pursuit of the Dragon Princes. A couple of Orcy War
Machines fell apart, but that was par for the course & they were pretty
much the only victory points I got all game. The damage the Lobba, BT's
& Doom Diver did were minimal thoughout the game, but their
psychological effect was immense & still the Greentide came onwards. The
SO & SOBB Shamans had total magical domination by now. Cod Piece tried
"Hand of Glory" again in a vain attempt to keep the thin smear of glue
that held the Elven battle line together. The SO Shaman "Drain Magic"'ed
it again. The poor HE were now at a complete loss as to who to fight,
what to do & Trouser Leg was being no help at all. Like a scene from
"Alien", "They're all around us" so quickly became, "Game over man, game
over."
The SOBB's frothing like rabid dogs by now gave the Shadow Warriors the
"Big-Don't-Argue" & pelted into them. The Gobbo Chariot lost it's nerve
and refused to charge the Dread Banner carrying Elf Spears, a slight
redressing of a massive imbalance, which was probably a good thing or
the rout would have been complete. Trouser Leg threw his Bow Of Loren to
the winds and decided to get stuck in personally, taking the lance, he
charged into the flank of the Blackies & munched 4 of them, enough to
draw the combat. Wargy was a bit put out by this, but otherwise
unperturbed. The SOBB's carved up the Shadow Warriors except for the
Champion who Black Gem'd the SOBB Shaman. Wargfang laughed at this as
the damage had already been done in the first turn, all else now was a
mere bonus & what a bonus that continued to be. The Dragon Princes
finally got one up & hit a Rock Lobba, decimating it, lining up for a
hit at another one. The Not-So-Great Eagle screamed into the flank of
the Wolf Riders, killed a couple & got driven off, he proceeded to come
back a couple of times to kill a couple them, getting driven off time &
time again. Cod Piece jagged Total Power & Fiery Convocationed the
Blackies, by the end of the battle they were looking thinned down, but
that was pretty much the only casualties for the Greenskins apart from
the usual stunning Orcy/Gobbo engineering of their machines giving me a
point or two. A cunningly resurrected Mage by the name of Sucker Punch
was "Apotheosis"'ed into the ranks of the Greenskins & their charge did
little to Sucker Punch as he had on the Cloak Of Mists & Shadows & held
on despite ranks bonuses.
Again the Gobbo Chariot baulked at the thought of charging the Spears,
by now there was nothing left to fight anyway, but it mattered little as
a Pump Wagon smacked into Trouser Leg's flank, though not wounding him,
it caused the malfunction of his Black Amulet (though he was fortunate
in rebounding all the wounds onto the Snotties who died ickily).
Wargfang thought this hilarious as the Black Amulet failed & he came to
the flank with his trusty Axe Of Grom & bashed Trouser Leg six ways from
Sunday. Though with the death of Trouser Leg the remaining 2 units of
Elves (Dragon Princes & Spears & Cod Piece) held firm. The Greenskins
were so untouched by almost everything except their own incompetant
engineering that Trouser Leg's second in command, Cod Piece, pleaded for
Wargfang clemency & didn't receive any.

Wargfang laughed to himself as at his council of war, he debriefed his
Bosses; Flop, Slop, Nob, the Giant Bob, Clop & Decowzer, better known as
the Bovine Terror of Mount Bad Ass. "Dat's more like it lads. Deese
pointy eared gits are more like da Cal... Kalan... da Whatseesname
Dill." Wargfang held up all his fingers for all to see, "See, dat's 3
wins in a row, wiff more ta come lads. Jus' follow me, old Wargy, I
won't set ya wrong, I'll find us lots more pointy eared gits ta kill."
But something in his voice gave away the fact that there'd more likely
be a Chaos army hot on his heels next time, at least until something
else got painted.

Game Analysis: Game One =================================================

One of the problems I find when fighting against Chris is that he often
out deploys me, he can deploy his weaker units as decoys while holding
onto his strength till last, the HE rarely have this advantage having no
cheap gimme units. At a usual game, when the first turn is decided by a
dice roll, the HE need that first turn desperately & if they don't get
it, they are in real trouble against an army that can have it's advance
elements more than half way across the table on turn one, especially in
a tourney style battle with the enemy being only 18" away. So it was
with great pleasure that we drew maps for the first game, this kept
deployment advantages to zero.
Game One, Chaos v Greenskins. Though getting the first turn, this
matters little for Chaos when fighting an army like the Orcs, with
little or no shooting to be had by either side, it was the down & dirty,
nitty gritty fighting that would decide the battle. 
A slight mistake here in that we played the 4th ed Rapturous Banner
rather than the weaker 5th ed version, this was completely by mistake
only, but I didn't feel too badly about it as in Chris' & my first few
games we ever played together years ago, he gave the Wolf Riders an
illegal magic banner, anyway, on with the show. A large unbreakable unit
of 4th ed Beastmen (over 70 wounds in all) with Halberds for S4 hits
kept the Ogres & SOBB's out of my hair for the entire battle, the fact
they got through & routed both was the bonus, though in a war of
attrition, Chris didn't have the right selection of goods to beat a unit
like that so it shouldn't have been unexpected.
The Chaos Warriors were a marvel, despite running away from one battle
outcome (you don't stick around when you get hit in the flank by Big
'Uns carrying Banner Of Defiance), they kept the Black Orcs occupied for
long enough so that the Beastmen could hit the Black Orcs flank with
devastating effect.
The Chaos Troll's hit out with the Green Trolls & Bob was a bit of a
laugh, I was suprised that Bob didn't pick up Beastman Hero Knockknees &
see what happened.
The real strength of Chaos lay in its awesomely powerful characters, I
didn't over tool them though I came up with what I imagine was a pretty
standard outfitting. A frenzied Savage Orc Shaman Lord can be pretty
damaging, but when needing 6's to hit the Slaanesh Lord Calanthe (Cursed
Book close by), he was always going to be behind the 8 ball. The Allure
Of Slaanesh is a great Chaos Reward, ideal for challenges against all,
even for Lizardmen as it's a test on 3D6 & Spunk Bubble kept losses to a
minimum that way. The Beastman Shaman Lord only got off a couple of
Power 3 spells in the game, but the Transformation Of Kadon to a
Manticore T7 made him near impregnable to Black Orc blows.
Chris' army of purely Orcs was an interesting experiment in itself. With
a unit of Big 'Uns (with Banner Of Defiance), a unit of Black Orcs (with
Banner Of Might), Bob & the Nancy Boys River Trolls, Savage Orc Boar
Boyz with Shaman Lord & the Blouse Ogres, he went for a real
steroid/muscle army that was going to trade blows with anyone. I think
it was his new hair cut that gave him these ideas as he tried to give
Chaos the Glasgow Kiss. This time however, Chaos was that much stronger
again as is usually the case in an upfront biff fest came out on top.
Fortunately with the Chaos Gifts, not one bad thing happened with them
at all. The yuck cards came up as the gifts for the Spawn & good the
cards were helpful though not to any great effect (though Levitation &
Hideous Visage kept Wargfang strikes in one round to an absolute
minimum).

Game Analysis: Game Two ===================================================

Despite this being Chris' experimental "I'm going to shoot you to pieces
army", this was also a perfect test case of why you are in serious
trouble as a HE player when you are out deployed & don't go first
against a serious hand to hand mob like the Greenskins, especially in a
tournament set up (though these weren't tournament restricted armies, we
just used the set up rules).
The Wolf Riders & Gobbo Chariots with their charge range of 18" are able
to hit on the first turn, all you get is a stand and shoot, or a flee
option. Fleeing isn't a great idea as it leaves the Gobbos in amongst it
all & you give up so much ground that you have nothing left to manuever
with & you get massacred the turn after anyway. In retrospect, the only
thing I had capable of dealing with the SOBB's & WR's was the Dragon
Princes, to do that, they must (a) get the charge in (impossible when
the Greenskins get Total Power for the Hand Of Gork spell) & (b) kill
the enemy in one turn as they will then get flanked on the next turn if
they don't. Of course one could shoot instead which is what I did, but
it was to little effect.
The 500 or so points of Lobbas, BT's & Doom Diver that the Greenskins
came with was merely distracting yet imposing at the same time. The
strength was a classic Orcy strategy, take your shock troops & pick on
those less able to defend themselves, in this case, the shooting troops
of Longbows & RBT's & ignore the strong units of Dragon Princes & large
Spear block, as such the HE army just fell apart, unable to come to
grips with the enemy as the HE supporting units got creamed & pureed by
the fast moving SOBB's, WR's & Chariots, charging and destroying as they
went.
The big IF that I find with the HE when fighting the Greenskins
especially is that if I'd have had the first turn, maybe the game would
have turned out differently, an uninterrupted round of shooting at
either the WR's or SOBB's & who knows ?? 
We usually have some serious tactical debate over the best way to play
certain armies & I always recommend that the Greenskins don't piss
around with nuances and subtlies, but get stuck in straight away, when
we swap armies I do whatever it takes to accomplish this task.
Congratulations to Chris for this victory, as I think that this was his
most Orcy tactical victory yet, the biffo troops got stuck in from the
outset & kept on at the enemy, there was no delaying at all with the
ground support troops either, the HE never had a chance.

==============================================================================
In whats been a busy week or so Calanthe reports again on more blood shed.

Wargfang and Calanthe go Toe To Toe...... Again.

Wargfang called all his most trusted advisors to his Elf-Skin tent.
There was the Savage Orc Shaman Pockmark, the lesser Shaman Bum Wart &
the little Night Goblin Shaman Grommet. As present as ever was Slop, his
faithful lieutenant that kept the Big 'Uns under control & Flop, who led
the Savage Orcs. The little Night Goblin bastards from Mount Bad Ass had
brought the Squig Hoppers along. The bouncing bastards had already torn
a hole in his elf-skin tent, that one had felt the taste of the Axe Of
Grom and was decidedly unsteady for the upcoming fight. They also
brought Softpack, the litter mate of Skarsnik along too & he was to run
the Night Goblins & let the fanatics go at the right moment, though he'd
probably just let them go bananas from the outset. Wargfangs social
secretary, Flop, adjusted his blouse and called the meeting to order
with a grunt & then Wargfang imparted the battle plans.
"OK lads, I knows we woz crushed before, but dis is a new fight & we'z
gonna kick dere Chaos scum sucking faces in. As ya all know, dere's
rules before every fight & even da Chaos lackies'll obey 'em. Now, dat
freakin' Rapt, Rappat, the Nevva Scared Banna wozza real pisser las'
time, so we'll get ridda it. Everyfin' else I reckon we can hack. Now,
Softie, you keep dem Gobbo lot under control or I'll kick ya back ta Mt
Bad Ass personally, every boot of da way, when somefin' gets close, let
da Fanatics go. OK, Slop, you stay next ta them & get ready to charge
anyfing as soon as we, da Blackies charge in, hit 'em in da side again,
doan worry 'bout chasin' 'em cos of yer Defi, Deef, Dubble Rank Banna ,
we'll take care o' dat. Someone keep da Snotties in line, bash 'em about
a bit if you fink it'll help, but keep 'em going straight. Flop, you can
arrange fer da afternoon tea break & try to make sure da SO's hit
somefin' useful ravva den da first fing dey see. If someone lets a
bloody Squig lan' on me I'll throw da bastard back ta Mt Bad Ass. Any
questions ?? Good, lets give 'em a taste o' bootlevva."

Calanthe looked at his force with disdain, his lieutenant Spunk Bubble
stood to his left. "What do you mean exactly when you say, 'No one else
turned up ??'"
"Err, that's exactly it my Lord."
"Stuff me, do you have any idea of how bloody many Greenskins there'll
be ?? Right, this is what we'll do. By the way, who brought those
Harpies along ?? They never listen to anyone. Anyway, the Beastmen can
hold the centre, the Warriors on their right. You & me will stay right
in the middle of everything & if the Harpies want to do anything useful
they swing around the flanks a bit & try to do something useful.
According to Lord Slaanesh, we can get rid of a couple things the
Greenskins are carrying & FREAKING HELL, look at all that crap they
brought along. They must have been to the Ye Olde Magic Shoppe this
time, OK, get rid of the Crown Of Command, they fall apart with out that
& the Golden Helm, old Wargy'll be so piss scared without it, he'll be
afraid of getting stuck in himself. Someone get me the red dice of Chaos
that never worked for the High Elves."

The Harpies, listening to their own tune flew high & circled over the
battlefield, though nominally supporting Chaos, they were just here for
the good feed on the dead that would doubtlessly ensue no matter who
won. The Beastmen & Chaos Warriors charged forwards at maximum speed
towards the Green Horde. Calanthe & Spunk Bubble stayed towards the
centre, Spunk Bubble felt the Winds Of Magic blow strongly so he cast
Blade Wind at the Black Orcs, but the consumate Weapon Skill of the
Black Orcs was equal to the task & their light armour & shields saved
them from something nasty happening (like dying).

The Greenskins were unusually well behaved for the moment, as Flop,
Slop, Bum Wart, Pockmark, Softie & Grommet led the way forwards, their
respective lads following close behind. The Squigs jumped about, mostly
in the right direction except for one who landed periously close to
Wargy. The Pumpwagons were also focussed as well as they hurtled
forwards at an alarming rate, each racing to see who could kill a Chaos
worshipper first, obviously a few teef had been promised to the the
first confirmed kill. Determined that the battle should be done with
quickly, Grommet prayed for Gorks Mighty Hand to Fling Someone About,
but was quite dismayed as Bleating Teeth, demoted Beastman Shaman,
Destroyed it. Thus ended the first Greenskin attempt at magical
domination.
The Harpies, seeing a bunch of kneehigh to a grasshopper Night Goblins
sitting out on the side, charged in from on high, only to see some
whirling dervish lunatics released. They accounted for a harpy, but
continued to swirl about straight through the Beastmen ranks taking
another couple. The Chaos Warriors charged at both Pumpwagons who
promptly turned tail and fled, unfortuately the Warriors were now in no
mans land. Luckily one flank was covered by the Beastmen. Again,
Bleating Teeth cast Blade Wind at the Black Orcs, but again to little
effect, as only a couple of the Black Orcs fell beneath the divine
winds.
Flop was this time unable to control the SO's, who with Pockmark at the
helm, charged straight at the Chaos Warriors. The Big 'Uns, not wanting
to be left out charged straight at the Beastmen. Wargfang carefully
manuevered so as to be ready to reinforce either battle, while the Night
Goblins smashed the Harpies about the head numerous times, causing
multiple wounds and making them flee. The Beastmen held took all the
punishment of the Big 'Uns, smacked a few back in turn, but lost the
combat, despite Bleating Teeth calling upon the power of the Crown Of
Command, the Beastmen fled. Pockmark, Flop & the SO's were obviously way
too excited at the prospect of bashing a few Chaos Warriors about the
noggin and those that even managed to hit, found it hard to damage the
tough Chaos Warriors. Perhaps the fortunes of war were about to turn
here to the side of Chaos as the Warriors drew their extra weapons and a
few tenticles, cloven hoofs & venomous bites appeared, but alas the
favours of Slaanesh drew to a close as the famed skill of the Chaos
Warriors proved for little & some inept dice rolling saw the SO's win
the combat though the Warriors held firm. Wargy gave the Pumpies the
evil eye & they quickly rethought the idea of running away the entire
battle & decided to turn their mobile machines around on the proverbial
dime, ready to crash into something valuable again.
Bleating Teeth, imploring on the power of the Crown Of Command failed
again to get the unruly and truculent Beastmen to face the enemy and
continued to flee, though not particularly far. The Harpies continued
their headlong rout as well, ignoring the impassioned pleas of Bleating
Teeth (Chris & I play the seemingly sensible rule that Harpies never use
the leadership of anyone but themselves, as the Chaos player this
disadvantages me but seems to make the most sense to both of us) as they
sped past the in turn fleeing Beasties. The Chaos Warriors, knowing
themselves to the faster again called on a tenticle or two & their extra
weapons, but again, in an ineptness of ones & twos failed dismally. The
SO's kept up a steady stream of playing their own game of bash a Chaos
Warrior, accounting for a couple, but the Boys In Red held firm still.
Calanthe, now sick to bloody death of all this sheer incompetance,
decided to lend a hand himself & smashed in the SO's himself, but found
himself just as bemused and unable to hit them, it was as if the favours
of Lord Slaanesh had abandoned His faithful and joined the Greenskins.
Spunk Bubble was now the only thing left holding the flank of the Chaos
Warriors together & even the magic of Slaanesh had deserted him too.
Slop, at the helm of the Big 'Uns decided to kick a dog when he was down
and yelling to Mork, Gork, Dork & Fork, charged into the already fleeing
Beastmen. Softpack, not wanting to be left out of the fun, charged
straight through his own still swinging Fanatics and charged as well.
The proved altogether too much for the Beastmen and they fled even
further away from the battle lines. Wargy decided that it was now safe
enough to be a hero and charged into the flank of Chaos Warriors, in
particular Calanthe and Spunk Bubble. Wargfang was feeling particularly
heroic as just before the battle had commenced, he had swapped his usual
Golden Helm Of Atrazar and given it to Flop, while he took the Black
Amulet instead. (Flop being most unimpressed when he had his shiny
Golden Helm vetoed). Declaring a challenge that Wargfang accepted,
Calanthe, knowing that though the favours of Slaanesh had abandoned him,
the Helm Of Many Eyes still worked to a tee. However, the power of the
Black Amulet saved Wargfang from an ignominious fate as Calanthe found
himself bashing himself up a lot, fortunately as a Slaanesh worshipper I
found this particularly funny as did the old Wargster himself. Pockmark,
the SO Shaman felt the Frenzy begin to leave him a bit, so he cast some
bloody Green spell or another that gives the favours of Stork (long
legged Orc God) and the impetus & initative to the SO's next turn.
Bleating Teeth at last pulled the Beastmen into line, bashing a few
heads about as he did & throwing the odd unruly Beastmen directly into
the swinging path of the still buzzing Fanatics. The Harpies, realising
that if they kept fleeing, they wouldn't be able to get in on the feed
after the battle, also about faced and readied themselves to meet
someone Green. But it was now down to the business end of things.
Calanthe, must faster than the most spritely Greenskin ever, bashed
Wargy a few times over the noggin. Again the Black Amulet spewed forth
it's Black "Ultra-Violent" Light & Calanthe found his sword in his own
throat. Falling to the ground, this proved altogether too much for the
entire Chaos remnants & they fled wholesale off towards the table edge
with a horde of blood thirsty Greenskins in hot pursuit....
Game Over Man (Thankyou Hudson)

Wargy looked with pride at his fellow officers, they had done well and
he told them so, "See lads, I told ya dat ol' Wargy would leed ya to
vict, vikk, winning again. Da Chaos scummers got what woz comin' to 'em.
An' I tells ya, we ken do it again nex' week too." He thought that
perhaps he could patch up the hole in his Elf-Skin tent with some
Beastmen skin or something though every tent needs a skylight.
Calanthes last thought was, "Wonder if the High Elves would take me back
?? Nah, stuff it, Khornes always on the lookout for a good warrior, I'll
go & try to find him one."

Game Analysis. =======================================================

OK, so what happened ?? The game was played mostly under Cancon rules,
this is a slight variation on GW's tourney rules in that, the victory
points are worked out at 1 VP equals 1 troop point. You can also veto up
to 2 magic items of the enemy at the cost of 100 VP per item.
Simply put, I was outplayed & the dice failed me miserably when they
were most sorely needed. The Harpies did their job when they brought out
the Fanatics ahead of time, but that was about it when it came to
anything useful happening for Chaos. The Crown Of Command failed all but
one test that it was required to make and the Chaos Warriors, despite
throwing more dice than anyone on the table (needing a 2+ to hit & 4+ to
wound) were unable to make any impression on the SO's at all and were
continually beaten in combat. This will teach me to flaunt my tactical
and strategic prowess in the face of the Red Dice Gods. The Green Dice
Gods were truly in form & they kept smashing the Chaos team from one
side of the head to the other as Wargfang showed all present just what a
vengeful Black Amulet with a grudge was capable of. The only wasted
points in the entire Orc & Goblin force was the Squig Hoppers who did
bugger all the entire stoush, but otherwise, the remainder of the
Chlorophyll boys were true to form as a relentless Greentide that advanced, 
unfortunately the Chaos mob just refused to stay and fight it out, or if 
they did stay, refused to hit, or on the remote occasion they hit, refused 
to wound the Greenies at all. Game Over, the Orcs carry the day.

This army was for Chris a fairly standard affair for him, some beefy
foot troops in the shape of the Black Orcs, Savage Orcs and Big 'Uns.
He's a lot more confident in his troops when the Night Goblins get to
swing about causing a ruckus somewhere with the Fanatics as he usually
manages to make sure that the only casualties on his own side from them
are his own Night Goblins. He also disperses his power base well, the
Black Orcs are as always the foundation on which all else is built,
making good use of the Banner Of Might, with the WS4 & S4 for regular
Black Orcs & WS7 & S5 with Axe Of Grom for Wargfang himself with the BOM
make a good combination (Black Amulet/Golden Helm & Crown Of Command
being the other usual items). The Big 'Uns have now laid claim to the
Banner Of Defiance, the spears they carry merely a bonus if any wounds
get caused. The SO's are often the diversion, but more often than not
they carry the day before which all else is swept, this usually suprises
Chris as much as anyone. The Pumpwagons are rarely expected to do
anything except scare the hell out of the enemy for fear of 2D6 S7 hits,
at 40pts a pop, they are good for bringing the enemy regiments out of
the battle line ahead of time. The Pumpwagons flee and the enemy
regiment is now a sitting duck, prime dead meat for a concerted charge
by the following main Greenskin battle line. Bob the Giant and the Nancy
Boys River Troll Brigade (though not fighting this time) fall into the
same catagory though Bob also is often called upon to win the unwinnable
combat with a Yell & Bawl. The Chariots also failed to make an
appearance this time, but more often than not they rarely get into
combat lately, being too scared silly when out of range of Wargfang
himself. That's a quick brief on the troops only of Wargfang as I've
learnt over the years & it was particularly effective again. Oh yeah,
never ever worry about Chris' Rock Lobba's, they fall apart 9 games in
10.
For the side of Chaos, I would take the same army again in a flash even
though this one was firmly & furiously destroyed by a gleeful Green
army. This army is yet to truly be tested in the heat of battle & so
we'll see next time, making some minor rearrangements here and there
("Old Calanthe he had a farm, eee-eye-eee-eye-ooo, & on that farm he had
a Beastman, eee-eye-eee-eye-ooo"). Perhaps Lord Slaanesh will be more
benign next time.
Oh yes, one last thing for all visitors to Wargfangs House of Slaughter
in Ryde, never accept the offer of the Red Dice, I keep flaunting it as
it becomes more of a monkey on my back that I want to break, but don't
get sucked in by them, do anything instead, eg. get his young son, Sean,
to draw numbers out of hat for you, take up an intravenous drug habit,
open your family pets stomach up to read the entrails to see if the time
is right for battle, drop your trousers and bend forwards over the
barrel for victory if you must, but NEVER EVER accept the offer of the
red dice.

==============================================================================
Subject: [WHFB] Even more Battle reports
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 09:34:20 +1000
From: Will Chris 

You guessed it, Calanthe, too much time on his hands, continues......

Why High Elves Never Win, the question is answered.

High Elven Master Mage Bananaskin felt a cold shiver run up his spine,
"I can feel a battle coming on my Lord Trouser Leg."
"Hmm," said Trouser Leg, "Any idea who with ??"
"Orcs I presume my Lord, perhaps we should veto an item or two that I
can feel the presense of ??"
"Good thinking No.2, erase the Crown Of Command & Black Amulet, Orc
Warbosses go to pieces and weak at the knees without these little nic-naks."
"Very well, my Lord."
"Any word from the scouts as to the where abouts of the Orcs ??" 
asked Trouser Leg.
"No yet my Lord," replied Bananaskin, 
"Though they report heavily armoured men on tireless horses to our right."
"Perhaps we should ask them if they've seen any Orcs then. Come on
Bananaskin, you can translate for me."

Sitting around a hastily prepared table in an open field were Trouser
Leg, Bananaskin and Bretonian Grand Duke Dent-Du-Lop. The Dukes personal
retinue of Grail Knights stood a respectful distance away. Trouser Leg
poured a cup of camomile tea for everyone while Bananaskin translated
his Lords questions into faltering Bretonian.
"Have you seen any Orcs ??" asked the Elf.
"Limburger cheese ??" asked the Duke, misunderstanding.
Not wishing to appear a fool, Bananaskin made up an answer, "No they haven't my Lord, 
but he said they would kill every Greenskin they see should they but appear."
"He said all that in two words ??" quieried Trouser Leg.
The Duke was getting angry with these two pointy eared gits speaking
Elven which he didn't understand at all, he interrupted, 
"Cordon Bleu ??  Bon Bon ??"
"What the devil is he talking about ??" asked Trouser Leg.
"I don't quite follow my Lord," replied Bananaskin.
The Duke withdrew his glove and slapped Trouser Leg in the face with it,
then stormed back towards his Grail Knights.
"I know what that means," offered Bananaskin.
"Right, summon the Dragons, call forth the Legions, bring out the Silver
Helms, the White Lions, Lord Teclis, EVERYBODY." yelled Trouser Leg.
"Err, they're not available my Lord," stammered Bananaskin.
"Just who have we got then ??"
"Well, there's you my Lord, me, my young apprentice Fruitcake, about 40
Spearmen with their Dread Banner, 20 Longbows, 3 RBT's & Lord Rabbits is
hereabouts as well though he reports his Crown Of Command is at the
repair shop getting fixed & I think I see the warning light on your
Black Amulet my Lord, arrrrhh yes, the battery just ran out."
"Damn."

Chris had read my revealing of the plans about the way he plays
Warhammer, so he came up with a  new plan in Wargfangs first cunning
ploys book. Plan One, "Don't Play Orcs, but only after the opposition
has vetoed the items thinking they're fighting Orcs." We had a bit of a
laugh over this cunning deception & got down to the nitty gritty of
battle. The deployment was equal for both sides in this tournament style
bash-a-roo. The HE won the roll off & so got to go first. 
Grand Duke Dent-Du-Lop set up a skirmishing screen of Mounted Squires &
3 wedges of Grail, Questing & Errant Knights [these were actually Knighs
of the Realm but wot would an Elf know] with an archer wedge to the
side. Trouser Leg set up a sacrificial unit of Longbows to keep the
Bretonians at bay, the Spears held the centre,  while the rest
of the Longbows set up below the hill & the RBTs on the hill.
Suddenly, without warning, the Bretonians all dropped to one knee to
pray & then the High Elves are left without a prayer.

Trouser Leg bellowed, "Shoot men, shoot. For Khaines sake, shoot those
bloody tin men."
"Sorry Sir," said the RBT crews, "Can't see them anywhere, but they were
there just a minute ago."
"I can see them," said one crew.
"Well, shoot then man," ordered Trouser Leg.
TWANG, TWANG, TWANG, TWANG. 4 Bolts of death hurtled at the Bretonians
making the sound of an X-Wing fighter.
"Sorry sir, we missed," apologised the crew.
"What ?? All 4 shots ?? OK, Longbows, shoot those silly skirmishing men
then."
Lots of bow twangs later, the Mounted Squires are sent packing as they
fail their Panic Test.
"Well done men, well done," encouraged Trouser Leg, "OK, Bananaskin,
how's the magic going ??"
"Not well Sir, the enemy has befuddled my magic sight," stammered the Master Mage.

The Bretonian heavily armoured wedges hurtled forwards at full speed
under the protection of the Lady Of The Lake blessing. Bretonian Wizards
could be heard muttering to themselves, "Fear, Protect, Fireball ??
What's all this crap ?? Are you sure there's no Hand Of Gork spell here
somewhere ?? Blue Vein & Gouda ??"
"Right," said Trouser Leg, knowing that if you wanted something done,
you have to do it yourself & if he didn't, the Bretonians would be on
them next turn & his men would be fleeing instead of fighting, "That
bastard Duke Dent-Du-Loup hit me in the chops will he ?? I show him.
Follow me men, CHARGE !!!!" Trouser Leg lowered his lance & charged full
tilt at the Grail Knight wedge. He didn't realise until to late that the
rest of his army had missed the starting gun.
Two of the RBT's suddenly found they could work & even fire, but only a
measly 2 Questing Knights fell. The RBT's were proving to be great value
here. The Longbows suddenly found themselves afflicted with blindness &
did bugger all, "Did you see a Knight ??" they asked each other & a
couple of them launched off a few hopeful yet ineffective shots.
A young Bretonian noble by the name Went-Le-Floppe yelled out a challenge in 
the place of the wardless Duke Dent-Du-Loup. Trouser Leg accepted & placed his 
lance in several of the young nobles major organs with all the precision of a 
neuro-surgeon. Still, the combination of ranks & banner proved too much for 
Trouser Leg & he trouser legged it back past his Longbows & Spearmen who were 
wondering what the hell was going on. Bananaskin let the 5 Aces fly out of his 
sleeve & launched a Total Power Fiery Convocation at the Grail Knights who 
mostly shrugged it off.

The Knights now got into the serious melee. The Questing Knights charged
the lead Longbow unit, the Errant Knights charged the Spearmen. The
Grail Knights composed themselves after Duke Dent-Du-Loup fell out of
his saddle laughing at Trouser Leg's sudden appearance & disappearance,
but they too charge the Spearmen
The Questors accounted for all but one Longbow who fled out of range of
the Knights
The Errant Knights Hero Sent-To-Shoppe challenged Elven Lord Rabbits &
wounded him unto death. "Ha," laughed Lord Rabbits, "My Golden Helm will
save me." But alas it didn't. The Spearmen found their Spears unable to
pierce the Bretonian rock hard armour & they fled off the table, the
Errant Knights in hot pursuit.
Trouser Leg recovered his wits & turned to face them again, while
Bananaskin watched his Fiery Convocation peter out, the RBT's found
there machines still cursed & their sight taken away, still, a couple
more Questing Knights fell again. Relentlessly the Bretonian armoured
wedges poured forth. The Grail Knights hit the front of the remaining
Longbow unit while the Errant Knights returned to the table & hit them
in the rear. The Questing Knights charged apprentice mage Fruitcake who
fled just out of range, unfortunately, just out of range was also off
the table.
At this point things began to look a bit grim for the High Elves & it
was game over, a victory to the Bretonians in Duke Dent-Du-Loup's virgin
outing. Trouser Leg wondered if Calanthe would make room for another
convert to the worship of Slaanesh. At least he'd get a bit with those
Witch Elves and other pleasure seekers before he smacked about in battle
again.


Game Analysis.

Wargfangs first sneaky rule was not to fight at all but let the
Bretonians fight in his place. Good laugh & shock value, first victory
to him & no one has even moved or set up yet. OK, the Elves were behind
the 8 Ball from the outset here. When a non-cheesy shooting army can't
see the praying Bretonians & a mere 3 RBT's is all the High Elves have,
you're really in trouble. The Spearmen's Dread Banner is useful against
Orcs, useless against Bretonians. Despite some funny moments & poor Red
Dice rolling (will I never learn ??), the High Elves are simply
outclassed in a tournament style battle against Bretonians. Effectively
1/2 your RBT's are useless, you never have that many in a tournament at
100pts a pop & you need every single one of them to work every time (at
T3 the Bretonians DO fall when you hit them, it's just hitting them
that's the problem) & that is pretty much the only thing that will
pierce the ranks of the armoured wedges & break them up short of some
beefed up characters. 50pt limits don't beef up High Elves that much
alas. Something needs to be unbreakable(ish) against the heavy hitting
Knights so that the HE characters have time to deal with them, with the
Crown of Command vetoed, the HE fell like blades of grass in the wind.
Chris & I then had a serious look at the Bretonian book & worked out
that it's bloody ridiculous. You can tool up your General with the
Virtue of "Thankyou Sir, May I Have Another ??", combine that with say
the Tress Of Isoulde that lets all hits be on a 2+ & wound on a 2+,
combine that with say the Dragonblade where 1 hit equals 2 hits & you
have an excellent chance of causing 16 wounds with no armour save for
the first turn & then simply the Dragonblade & Hit Me Again Virture ever
after. Combine that in a unit that has magical protection through
Virtues & Items & Counter-charging virtues & whatever & you have a real
tosser of an army that costs little to field in terms of points with
everything under 50points & that very little will stand before it. Maybe
a unit of 50 billion Trolls that vomit all over the Knights & whittle
'em down, or a couple of Giants that Picks Up & Eats them. That's OK for
armies that have these options. But for an army like the High Elves,
it's simpy time to drop the trousers & bend forwards over the barrel.
So why don't HE do so well these days ?? Simply put, the new book was an
outstanding piece of work & was the one that should have been released
the first time around for them. The main strength for the HE has often
been the RBT's, at 50pts a piece, they were good value & as I never used
over 5 of them at a time in X-point army I designed, my opponents never
thought they were being out cheesed. It was the silly tossers that power
gamed & abused it by taking zillions of the bloody things that spoilt
the party for the regular HE player. But at 100 pts a hit, they are
simply over priced for their effectiveness, & when deployed in numbers
of around 3 & that is realistically all you can afford to field in say a
2000 point tournament army. All the things like bargain basement Dragon
Prince Standard Bearers, White Lion attack forms, Swordmaster
"Grasshopper" arrow cutters, magic banners for Spearmen, all this should
have been there from the start, though the extra rank of fighting
Citizen Levy is a handy unexpected bonus.
But against a book like the Bretonian or Lizardmen who have some
"Over-The-Top" things as mere "Run-Of-The-Mill" stuff, you just have to
be lucky & not matter how many 6's you roll, luck does run out (or if
you use the Red Dice, you never have it)

Wargfangs Comment : having nearly been sacked, while reading this at
work (and laughing myself silly) I can olnly hope that Calanthe returns
to the lst soon.

=============================================================================
Subject: [WHFB] Final bunch of battle reports
Date:   Fri, 31 Oct 1997 10:02:05 +1000
From:   Will Chris 

Wargfang, There You Are !!!

"Four cheers fer Wargfang," called out Black Orc Big Boss Slop. All the
other Bosses present turned to look at Slop with an incredulous look.
"How many cheers ??" asked Black Orc Big Boss Flop.
"Errr, LOTS 'n' LOTS !!!" roared Slop, this brought about general cheers
from all present & much sloshing of Squig Bitter.
"OK, lets bring this meeting to order," asked Social Secretary Flop as
he lifted his skirt hem to allow him to sit on Wargfangs Elf Skull desk.
Being a cross-dresser for a Black Orc was a difficult thing to cope with
until he also realised that he could bash anybody that laughed about it.
Wargfang longed to get back into action, but he knew a good secretary
was hard to find amongst Orcs & Goblins. So even though he thought that
Flop was a bit weird for wanting to wear skirts & heels, he humoured him
a little, "OK Flop, read da minets of da las' meetin' will ya ??"
Flop opened his Elf-skin briefcase that had been a present from
Wargfang, he then spoke in his impeccable eloquent voice, "Point of
order number one, Wargfang was victorious over the Chaos Lord Calanthe
at last." This brought about much cheering. "Point of order number two,
Wargfang is about to do it again." This brought the house down & in the
general moshing about & produced a few extra holes in the Elf-skin tent.
Flop sharpened his nails on a Big Bosses eye to bring some order back to
proceedings, "All now listen to Warlord Wargfang as he tells us how
we're going to do it again."

Calanthe was a bit depressed & feeling down in the dumps. He prayed to
Lord Slaanesh for some direction as to how to beat his old nemesis yet
again. Then in a moment of divine ecstacy, it struck him.
"Spunk Bubble !!!" he yelled out for his Sorcerer, "Get the Legion
together, we're going north."
"North my Lord ?? Where too ??"
"The Chaos Wastes & quickly, I think Wargfang has a sniff of my plans &
will chase us quickly. He has already disabled my Black Amulet & Crown
of Command."
"Two can play at that game my Lord," said Spunk Bubble smugly as he
vetoed the Orcs Crown of Command and Skullwand Of Kaloth (though what
they were doing with it he never found out).

"Right," said Wargfang, "Cunnin' plan numba two, dis time, weez gonna
fight uzselffs & no sneaky tricks iver. Cal..Kalat... da Ol' Pointy
Eared Git now worshippin' Chaos finks he knows hows we fight'n'stuff.
OK, dis time, I wan' jus' Pockmark wiff da SOBBs & Slop, yer ken leed
'em 'n keeps 'em in line. Me 'n Flop will leed da Blackies. While
Grommet 'n Soffpak try ta keep da Nighty Gobbos fokussed 'n see da
Fanatics hit somefing useful," Wargfang didn't sound too hopefull here.
"Is dat all we're takin' ??" asked Slop.
"Yeah, part from a coupla Snotty Pumpa's. Cal, Kalat... Dat Ol' Pointy
Ex-Eared Git finks he ken outfink me, ha, ha, ha. Everyone else, fall
inta line behind us three mobs. SOBBs on my right, Gobbos on my left,
Blackies in da middle & Pumpers in batween each. We ken vhen outdaploy
da Chaos lackies. Jus' fer somefin' interestin', we'll get da little
gobbo Fleabite ta bring a Battle Standard 'n it ken stay wiff da
Gobbo's."

"Can you see where the rest of the Greenskins are Spunk Bubble ??" asked
Calanthe.
"No my Lord, there seems to be only the 3 mobs with the 2 Pumpwagons.
They seem to stretch back quite a distance however," replied Spunk
Bubble.

"OK, well, line the Beastmen up on the left, the Chaos Warriors on the
right. If those bloody Harpies will listen, place them on the hills
behind us. Now for the good stuff, Lord Slaanesh has gifted us with some
of his own personal retinue of daemons, the Fiends Of Slaanesh, place
them to the left of the Beastmen in support. The Greenskins seem to have
the jump on us, so we'll just wait and see what they do, but be prepared
to follow my lead at the drop of the proverbial hat. How fares the
Banner Of Sorcery I procured for us ??"
"Not well my Lord, it seems the Red Dice don't wish to gel with it."

The Pumpwagons came forward as the compulsory move, one averaging at 7",
the other a mere 3". Every other mob yahoo's forth bleating, belching &
in Flop's case, wiping one's brow with a silken handkerchief. Fearing an
evil tricky spell hidden up the sleeve of SOBB Master Shaman Pockmark,
Spunk Bubble lets pass the spells of 'Ere We Go, but stops the Mork
Wants Ya, knowing full well that 400pts of character floating in the air
is not a good sign.

The Harpies decide to get some easy pickings in the shape of a
Pumpwagon, however, Softpack releases 3 Fanatics that smash up the
Harpies pretty badly & they decide to wait it out & see if the Fanatics
tire before they do. Calanthe, being the superhero he is, gave Tony The
Pony, his faithful steed a kick in the flanks & charged the other
Pumpwagon. The rest of the army backed off for fear of the SOBB's
belting the life out of them in a crushing charge. Calanthe, in a
display of "Do like me men" kills all but one of the Snotties & is
locked in "mortal" combat with the little green men.

Softpack, now that his job is done, belts through his own Fanatic & into
the flank of the Harpies who pass their panic test, but fail their
staying alive & viable test & the remnants leg/wing it to the hills.
Pockmark & Slop with the SOBB's carefully manuever to smash into the
Beastmen next turn with Wargy, Flop & the Blackies ready to support
them. The other Pumpy moves around behind the Blackies ready to crash
into Calanthe who is still beating up the first Snotty wagon. Calanthe
finishes it off finally, shaking the last little mongrel that had hold
of his leg.

The Chaos army retreats even further this time, almost to the edge of
the board, but the Fiends are waiting in the wings for anything foolish
enough to enter into the killing zone. Calanthe, seeing the second
pumpwagon in sight & that killing Snotties was like shooting ducks in a
barrel, decides to pounce on the other one & deals with it summarily
(quickly)

The Greenskin army waits in expectation, fearing the worst from the
Fiends flanking manuever, so Wargfang & BOBB Slop keep everyone under
control, but he lets Softpack have his head & they decide that they can
show Black Orcs & SOBB's just what fighting is all about & they move
forwards under the failed animosity & then charge the fleeing Harpies
who leg it some more.

Calanthe turns around looking for another worthy opponent, but seeing
only SOBB's & Black Orcs outnumbering him zillions to one, merely waits
& bides his time. The Chaos Warriors however, seeing Softpack & Grommet
move into their charge zone, do just that & pelt forwards into the Night
Goblins. Spunk Bubble decides to lend some indirect support & moves
close by so his Cursed Book will put the Night Goblins off their mark.
The Night Goblins were affected by the Bad Moon Banner & strike first
with their 2 handed spears, but Slaanesh sees fit to play many a Gift on
the Chaos Warriors, so many that infact the Goblins are hard pressed to
hit the Chaos Warriors at all, needing 6's, 7's & 8's. What are the
chances of throwing 6 6's in a row I ask you ?? 1 in 46656, that's
bloody what !!!! Do the Gobbo's do it I ask you ?? Too bloody right,
with a couple of extra 5's to wound, they mash up the Chaos Warriors
front line who are now unable to attack back & confronting the massed
Gobbo's with the Banner Of Defiance, the Chaos Warriors leg it off the
table. My smile of sensing victory turned to the pout of bitterest
defeat.

The game was over, I had tasted defeat once more at the hands of the
Greenskins & this time by a bloody mob of Night Goblins.


Calanthe & Wargfang meet in the middle of the table under the white flag
as they parley. Spunk Bubble attended Calanthe while Flop adjusted his
apron & attended Wargfang. Flop served cafe lattes, short blacks for
those present and a decaffinated coffee for himself. Flop knew the
effects of caffiene on the skin & didn't want to age before his time.
"Not much of a fight there old Wargy was it ??" asked Calanthe over his
demitasse.
"Nah, da boys woz mos' annoyed dat ya wouldn't come out 'n fight,"
Wargfang replied, "Da Softpack & the da Night Gobbo's won da battle,
can't have dat been spread 'bout back at Mt Bad Ass."
"Tell you what," suggested Spunk Bubble, "You leave our items alone &
we'll leave yours alone. You repair your pumpwagons & we'll get Slaanesh
to re-incarnate the Chaos Warriors, then we can do it all again. If we
win, well, that's the way it should have gone in the first place, and if
you win, you can pretend the first battle never happened & that you won
personally. OK ??"
"Done," growled Wargfang, he glanced at Flop who nodded.
"What happened to all the mobs you usually bring ??" asked Calanthe.
"Nevva pays ta be predi..perdic....obvo...ovbio...do da same fing twice."

Game Two -----------------------------------------------------------

Because a great plan that won but was never tested worked once, you have
to try it again reasoned Wargfang, so he set up exactly the same.
Calanthe however set up more advanced towards the Greenskin lines with
no sign off a subtle flanking manuever here. 

Again the Greenskins were faster as the crate doors opened, the
Pumpwagons hurtle forwards with everyone else taking it easy coming
forwards at a gentle trot. Softpack was unable to keep his truculent
Gobbos in line this time, far too excited about winning the game last
time though they couldn't understand why they were fighting the same
Chaos Warriors that they have mashed only moments before, so they sat
there squabbling over who would get to kill which Chaos Warrior this
time. Pockmark trys the ever reliable Gaze Of Mork at the Beastmen, but
Spunk Bubble ends the ambitions for that particular spell for the rest
of the game.

The Harpies again saw a Pumpwagon standing out like the proberbial shag
on a rock, so they charged straight into the side of it, rather than
risk being run down, the Snotties elect to stay after Wargy gives them
the evil eye. However, the Harpies get the better of the combat & run it
down as the little greenies pump furiously trying to get away, the
Harpies then follow through on into the other Pumpwagon. The Beastmen
move forwards, breaking the Chaos battle line slightly, but they are
close followed on the left by the Fiends Of Slaanesh & Spunk Bubble,
with Calanthe & the Chaos Warriors on the right.

The SOBB's are now in a complete frenzy & Slop is unable to control them
as he & Pockmark lead the charge into the Beastmen. Softpack gets some
measure of control back amongst the Night Goblins & moves forwards some,
though not far enough to release the Fanatics. Wargfang, by now a
measure of caution staying with him, threatens the middle of the table,
contending with the Chaos Warriors for domination. Pockmark calls out
the challenge, accepted by Beastman Champion Knock Knees. Swinging
wildly with the Skullwand of Kaloth (stolen off an evil Necromancer many
moons ago), he connects a couple of times, but Knock Knees keeps his
soul intact, Knock Knees swings & misses, obviously too busy fighting
for his soul than fighting anything else. Slop swills down his Potion Of
Strength and deals with a couple of Beastmen, but the remaining SOBB
irregulars & flatulent boars are unable to deal much damage out, though
they receive none in reply. Held firm by the Crown Of Command held by
Bleating Teeth, the Beastmen stick around. The Harpies deal with the
remaining Pumpwagon in a harsh fashion & ready themselves for the next
round, food now looking plentiful.


The Fiends now hit the right flank of the SOBB's who are too rabidly
frothing at the mouth to notice & Calanthe hits from the other side.
Spunk Bubble moves forward to give the Cursed Book maximum effect. The
Fiends do no damage to the heavily protected SOBBies, but Calanthe deals
quite severely with BOBB Slop, who now shown the error of his ways for
ever being born a Black Orc, was unable to deal with the rapidly moving
Ensorcelled Iron Blade & dies horribly in a red pulp. Knock Knees swills
down his Potion Of Strength, but he barely manages to scratch Pockmark.
The remaining Beastmen swing and miss wildly, but it turn, they are
missed by the SOBBies & their truculent Boars. Combat result, the
SObbies lose by quite a few & decide to hoof it. Calanthe, first to
pursue, falls short, the Fiends are too busy amongst all the musk, so it
falls to the Beastmen to mash them in to Green Hamburger Mince. With
Pockmark down & out for the count, Chaos looked well placed to continue
the trend of killing everything Green. Back in the middle of the table,
the Chaos Warriors are left to hold the centre against the Blackies &
Night Gobbos, positioning carefully to protect Calanthe against a flank
charge, they unwittingly release the yo-yo like Fanatics from Softpacks
mob. Though the Fanatics only acocunt for 2 of the 12 Chaos Warriors,
they are ominously placed for further carnage.

Which of course, they don't disappoint Wargfang who looks on with a tear
in his gnarled old eye (with half a prayer thanking Gork that he was
never born a Night Goblin), as the Fanatics go on to deal with another 8
Chaos Warriors, leaving a mere 2 left, these are charged in the front by
Wargfang, Flop & the Blackies & the flank by Softpack, Grommet & the
Night Gobbos hit the flank. It's an ugly sight as again the Chaos
Warriors give their lives for the greater glory of Calanthe, but hey,
that the lot of a Slaanesh Warrior.

The entire Chaos force now swings around to deal the same type of
blessings of blood to the Greenskin remnants that was just dealt to the
Chaos Warriors. Otherwise little else happened.

The Blackies & Nighties did likewise & prepared for the worse to take
the enemy head on rather than in the flank. Grommet found himself out
magicked by Bleating Teeth & Spunk Bubble, so he did what he could not
to have his head blow up.

The Fiends & Harpies charge into the Night Goblins while Calanthe and
the Beastmen thunder into the rows of Black Orcs. Calanthe calls out the
challenge, which when Flop trips over his apron & high heels, Wargfang
has to accept. Wargfang barely survives the combat, but Flop and the
Black Orcs give a fair account of themselves, bashing Beastmen about
with alarming familiarity. However the battle went to the Beastmen and
the Black Orcs just managed to hold firm under the wobbly unsteady feet
of Wargfang. Softpack decided to activate his Black Gem Of Gnar on a
Fiend, though this time they fell to some savage attacks from the
remaining Fiends and flanking Harpies. Grommet with the Crown Of Command
steeled the will of the Night Goblins though & they held.

Game Over, victory to Chaos.

Game Analysis: Game One ---------------------------------------------

Chris, after my open book summation of his playing style, decided that
minimal mobs with maximum numbers was the way to go. When you can veto
an item, nearly the first to go is always the Crown Of Command, which is
why we took it off each other, without it, almost any unit can be
broken, with it, it makes the most seemingly insignificant unit
extremely valuable, if for nothing else, it ties troops up in an
unwinnable battle as long as the 11 or 12 isn't thrown.
Magic never played a great part in any of the nights games, but
nevertheless provided much entertainment & interest in the cut & thrust
of magic card duelling. Grommet the Night Goblin Shaman narrowly missed
blowing up several times in the night from the dreaded Glasgow Kiss.

I thought to some extent that Chris wimped out a bit in not daring to
charge the Savage Orc Boar Boyz into the Crown Of Commandless Beastmen
[Oi]. He was worried about their ability to kill enough to rout them, so
as not to be left open to a flank charge on the next turn from the
Fiends Of Slaanesh. Unfortunately, the dallying and tentative early
movements from the Black Orcs kept them from a major assist in this
direction.
The heroes of the game were definitely the Night Goblins under the
dubious leadership of Grommet & Softpack. Seriously, the 1 in 46656
chance of what happened would be enough to make any gamer doubt what was
happening as mere co-incidence & not begin to suspect a great cosmic
conspiracy against them. All credit to the little black clad Goblins
though, they carried the day, slaughtered the Chaos Warriors, sent the
remnants packing & whooped for joy.
Chris also doubted my tentative first moves of moving backwards as the
SOBBies moved forwards, as I doubted my troops ability to survive the
SOBBy charge intact without the Crown Of Command. Thus a 4 way standoff
ensued that no one benefitted from. Chris also doubted the bravery of
Lord Calanthe killing Pumpwagons. Well, as I explained, you've got to
start small & they don't get any smaller than a Snotling, if the game
had of proceeded lomger, I would have moved to slaughter the Goblins
(though not the way they were rollings 6's), moved on through the
SOBBies & finally into the biggest of all, the Black Orcs. He simply
didn't recognise the big picture I had in mind.

Game Analysis: Game Two ------------------------------------------------ 

After we decided to just hit each other without the vetoing system, each
army became suddenly a lot more confident & really went at it hammer &
tong from the outset. My faith was well placed in the Beastmen, the
Harpies were taking on troops of lesser calibre than themselves (ie, the
pumpwagons) & Calanthe dealt harshly with enemy characters as they
arose. As such, with the Beastmen able to be left out on a rock slightly
to draw the SOBBs forward before their time, they were ripe for the
flank attacks from the Fiends & Calanthe.
The Fanatics were this time controlled by a radio as Softpack sent them
ripping through the Chaos Warriors in short order & were able to deal
effectively with the remnants. Again I wonder about how good are the
Green Dice, how bad are the Red Dice & is there something hidden under
the table ??
Magic played such a zero input here that we just had to laugh. Chris
received the following deals
3 Power Cards in a deal of 12 to him alone
6 Dispels in a hand of 6 to him
5 Dispels in a hand of 5 to him
[Wargfangs comment - the above magic was in my casting phase, someone
stuffing up
 my 'dominate da magik' plan, which was a pity with the spells I drew]

My own magic was similiarly unspectacular, so it was truly down to the
biff fest that these two armies specialise in.

"Hmmm," grunted Wargfang, "Flop, take a note."
Flop sat on Wargfangs desk, hitching his skirt to do so & crossed his
massive thighs.
"Right, we need more Night Gobbos, dohse little buggers really showed da
Chaos lackies all 'bout Waaagh power. Remin' me ta give Slop a bashin'
fer lettin' da ex-pointy earred git get da drop on 'im. Remin' me also
ter give Softie a bashin' too fer gettin' too big fer 'is boots.
Fightin's fer us Blackies, not dem Gobbos. Yeah, put Pockmark down fer a
bashin' too, runnin' like dat & not gettin' any magic off iver."
"I'm not sure that was his fault Wargy," offered Flop.
"Doan get me started Flop, you din't do much 'gainst da Beasties, I saw,
I saw & ya din't offa ter fight da ex-pointy earred git iver."
"He looked pretty mean Wargfang, like he was really pissed or something.
You could look at 46656 other Chaos Lords & you wouldn't see a look like
that again, it seemed quite personal to him."
"Yeah, well, nex' time, I doan wanna see yer slacken off, OK ??"

"Oh, it's a pleasure to worship Slaanesh, isn't it Lord ??" asked Spunk
Bubble.

"Agreed young Spunk Bubble. Just think, Daemons fighting with us. When
will the corruption ever end ?? I hope never, I love the power Spunk,"
replied Calanthe, "I love S5,T5,A5,WS9 & never running away."
"Did you hear about the human knights doing it in for your Elven
replacement, you know, they call him Trouser Leg & his sidekick
Bananaskin ??"
"Who cares my friend ?? I'm never going back to that cursed isle of
Ulthuan where you're best troops cost an arm & a leg & are still only T3
& you're best war machines are twice as expensive as ever & they never
do any good at tournaments anymore."
"So, what will we do next then my Lord ??"
"Don't worry about that, I'll find us plenty more killing."
"The way you dealt with those Pump wagons Lord, magnificent to watch."
"Watch your tongue Spunk, you obivously meant the real battle rather
than the warm up, where I personally was responsible for the unwashed
Savage Orcs rout & also lay open the very soul of Wargfang, did you see
the fear in his eyes ?? He'll tread lightly when he hears of my return
from the Wastes."

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